The OkCupid Worst-Case Scenario Handbook
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but
let’s be honest -- not all of them are majestic marlins. Navigating the
waters of online dating takes some serious skill, and while you’re
angling for the partner of your dreams, you may find yourself in more
than a few unsavory situations that no amount of sex lube can help you
slide out of. Don’t worry -- we’re here to throw you a lifeline. Take
our advice and become the captain of your own dating destiny. Or, you
know, at least save yourself from a few OkCupid creeps.
What to do if you can’t get a reply to save your life.
Don’t: lose your cool.
If you think confronting non-responsive site members will turn the tides
in your favor, you’re sorely mistaken. Accuse users of being rude for
not responding and you’re just going to look like a pathetic creep (not
exactly the persona you want to cultivate, is it?)
Do: try a new approach.
Something you’re doing isn’t working, so switch it up! Ask a brutally
honest friend to take a look at your profile and let you know if you’re
putting your best self out there. You might be coming across as a total
weirdo and never know it! Next, try sorting your search results to show
you the newest users first. Singles who’ve just joined OkCupid will be
more excited to receive messages and therefore more likely to respond.
Lastly, try keeping your messages short
and sweet and relatively innocent (save the mentions of personal
lubricant preferences for your first date). Instead, include a question
that makes reference to something specific in their profile. For
example: “I saw you just moved to the area -- have you eaten at (insert
favorite local restaurant here) yet?” Keep it light and friendly and
make sure each message you send is unique -- no copy and pasting!
What to do if you stumble upon your ex’s profile.
Don’t: message them to
taunt them. Look, you’re both in the same boat, so you don’t really have
much room to judge. Seeing someone you know on OkCupid is a bit like
running into someone you know at a strip club. You’re both there for the
same reason. If you’re not friends, there’s no reason to acknowledge
each other. Pretend you don’t see them.
Do: laugh at them behind
their back. Let’s be real -- not even Ghandi would be able to deny the
opportunity to poke fun at an ex’s online dating profile. The trick is
to act like some kind of award-winning nature photographer -- observe
the beast without it knowing. Capture the experience. Enjoy later with
friends.
To do this, sign up for “A-List.” It’s an
OkCupid feature that allows you to visit profiles without the owner
knowing, and trust us -- it’s worth the couple extra bucks. Make sure
you check off “browse invisibly” in your settings, then head to their
profile and enjoy the lols. Make sure you screenshot everything too --
they may stumble upon your profile and block you to save face. Plus,
screenshots are easy to share with your friends -- and cackling evilly
with a group is just so much more fun than cackling alone. Once you’ve
got your screenshots, block them. They’ll never know you were there, you
OkCupid ninja you.
What to do if your date looks nothing like their photos.
So you’ve met someone promising on OkCupid. They have a job, they get your 80s pop culture references and as a major bonus, they’re actually really cute. But then you meet them in person and suddenly it’s like someone fed your cute and cuddly Gizmo after midnight. You’re at the Cheesecake Factory with a full-blown gremlin. How should you react?
Don’t: accuse them of
trying to “trick” you. Everyone on OkCupid is trying to put their best
face forward. And if you listed your body type as “average” when you
knew “a little extra” was a lot more truthful, then you don’t have much
room to judge. Your shapeshifting date might not even realize how many
extra pounds or grey hairs they’ve gained since that college photo, so
calling them out on it isn’t necessary -- it’s actually pretty cruel and
futile. After all, it’s not exactly going to change the situation, is
it?
Do: give them a shot. Unless you’ve been seriously catfished
and someone who you thought was a 100 lb woman shows up as a 300 lb
man, there’s no harm in having dinner or finishing up a few frames of
bowling. Sharing a plate of cheese fries now doesn’t mean you have to
share your sex lube later. And who knows? Your date’s killer sense of
humor or smart and sassy conversation style might just transform them
from a six back into a nine. Attraction is more than skin deep, and if
at the end of the date you still aren’t feeling it, at least you had a
nice time and scored some positive dating karma for your next adventure.
What to do if you develop a cyber stalker.
Don’t: shrug it off.
Obsessive messaging may just seem annoying at first, but when those
messages turn invasive or downright threatening, you could find yourself
in some serious danger. Just because your stalker is separated from you
by a few miles of cyberspace doesn’t mean they can’t and won’t turn to
irl stalking in the future. This is definitely one of those scenarios
where it’s better to play it safe.
Do: report them. To
report a user, just click on “report” under their latest cray cray
message. Then type out a brief description for OkCupid support
explaining exactly why your cyber stalker is crossing the line. You may
even want to take screenshots of messages, photos, and their profile
for future reference. There’s a chance you may be harassed by this creep
in the future, and having an account of their shenanigans can’t do
anything but help you when it comes to making future cases to OkCupid
staff or (worst-worst case scenario) the local police.
Remember, if the world of OkCupid
becomes overwhelming, you can always unplug, change out of your
sweatpants and head into the real world to try to meet someone in
person. Apparently, people still do that. But if you’re like us and you
do everything from pay your bills to buy sex lube online, you know that
realistically, you’re not going to give up on online dating that easily.
So keep these tips in mind and be ready for anything.
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