You may have sworn to love your spouse
in sickness and in health, but most marriage vows don’t address the
common problem of getting stuck in a rut sexually. We reached out to 14
of the world’s top relationship experts to bring you some helpful tips
that will keep your marriage hot even in the chilliest of slumps.
Set the Stage for Passion
April Masini,
known to millions for her 'Ask April' relationship advice column,
reminds us that great sex in marriage doesn’t always “just happen.”
Often it requires effort and creativity. Think back to when you were
trying to make a good impression on those early dates and rekindle that
vibe.
“Strategic planning is part of keeping
the X in your sex life. Things don’t always fall into place, but if you
set the stage, they’re much more likely to. For instance, create the
mood with music, candles and other nice lighting and wear what you think
he or she will find attractive. Light a fire in the fireplace, have the
wine or champagne chilled and don’t worry about what’s for dinner —
have take out ready to go. You’ll be setting the stage for sex without
indicating so.”
April suggests an upgrade on the
traditional date. “If you’re both stressed, consider a massage instead
of a movie. Either do it yourselves, or hire someone to come in…and then
leave! Make your dinner and a movie date a light take-out sushi,
sensuous couples massage and some crisp wine or cocktails that aren’t
too syrupy or sweet, to create a mood for sex.”
Make Time for Sex
The effectiveness of smart planning is echoed by
Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of
Partners in Passion.
They acknowledge the difference between spontaneous sex and a
pre-calculated rendezvous, but admit that in today’s hectic world a bit
of planning can pay off in the bedroom.
“Schedule at least two erotic encounters
a week for the next month. It’s up to you whether these encounters
include orgasms for one or both of you. Take note of how this affects
your general level of desire. We suggest that couples take extra-long
lunch breaks so that they can meet at home for an early afternoon tryst.
This type of weekly ritual keeps partners feeling hot for each other.”
While spontaneity is often equated with
romance, don’t kid yourself into thinking that you’re not already part
of a plan, as Patricia Johnson points out. “For most couples, dating is
effectively a form of engaging in scheduled sex. Even if sex in this
context feels spontaneous, it has actually been planned. Thus,
scheduling sex is okay for most people, in certain contexts, provided
they don’t openly acknowledge the scheduling.”
Nonsexual Intimate Touch is Critical
While no sexpert will deny the
importance of touching as a key component in intimate sexual relations,
relationship coach and author
Lisa Hayes points out that touching outside of sex is just as vital to a steamy romance.
“When two people first meet they can't
keep their hands off of each other. They hold hands when they sit next
to each other. They snuggle on the sofa when they watch TV. They touch
in passing as often as they can. They crave the touch and that kind of
touch fuels sexual desire. As a relationship progresses and life takes
over, that kind of touch tends to diminish. But you want the fire in the
bedroom to continue to burn hot.
Nonsexual touch defines two people as a
couple even more than sex does. It stimulates oxytocin production which
is the bonding brain chemical. Foreplay starts way before you take your
clothes off. Nonsexual intimate touch is a very important part of
foreplay and it should be happening all day everyday. When it's
happening, two people are far more open to each other both emotionally
and physically.”
Talk About Sex More, Money Less
When we asked Lisa Hayes for marriage advice that doesn’t involve
touching, she was quick to point out that what you discuss (and don’t
discuss) as a couple can impact your relationship in unusual ways.
“Both sex and money are often very charged topics, however couples
will find a way to talk about or fight about money a lot. It's very
common for sex to be a topic that is almost taboo between two people who
sleep together and share a life. I'm always surprised by what people
can't talk about when it comes to their bodies. Sex needs to be
something that a couple can discuss freely if their sex life is going to
evolve. If a sex life doesn't evolve it will die.”
But how can couples open up about subjects that they may not be
comfortable talking about? Apparently practice is the key. Hayes says,
“The easiest way to normalise the subject of sex is to talk about it a
lot. Even if you can't talk about your sex life, you can still talk
about sex in general. You can always tell what a couple's priorities are
by noticing how much time they spend discussing anything. Kids, jobs,
and money are usually on the top of the list. Sex needs to be there at
the top if two people are going to stay connected.”
Relationship therapy team Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers are the authors of
So THAT'S Why They Do That! Men, Women and Their Hormones. They agree with Ms. Hayes’s advice on initiating an open dialog about sex with your spouse.
“Communicating about sex can be difficult for some while others want
to talk about it all of the time. It's not a good idea to have serious
sex talks while you are in the process of making love. The only talk you
want during the lovemaking process is words of love and endearment. If
there are some issues that you want to resolve around you sex life, it's
best to broach the subject somewhere else -- like the living room or
better yet on a walk or over coffee. A fun way to start is to ask each
other for five fun things that you like about sex and then follow up
with five things that you don't like about sex.”
Use Technology to Heat Up Your Marriage
Lifestyle strategist
Natalie Blais
has a different opinion of phones and computers. “Rather than viewing
technology as something that takes away from a relationship, couples can
use it to draw closer, enhance the romance and keep their relationship
on track and sexy.”
While this advice may seem contrary to
the experts who tell you to unplug, Blais has a more realistic approach
to how you can turn your electronic device into a relationship saver.
“Couples in 2015 need to learn how to use technology to their advantage!
With the ability to video chat, text, message, Facebook, tweet and so
much more, it is monumentally easier to stay close, connected and
intimate.”
When asked for examples of what sort of
content works best, Natalie explains. “If you took one minute each day
to send your mate a sexy text message, a short mini strip tease video, a
quick series of photos imagining your sexual encounter that coming
evening, whatever the mood strikes you. Leverage the tools that are
literally at your fingertips to keep those interactions red hot. Couples
who are flirty, fun and playful will stand the test of time and the
test of their relationship.”
What Does SEXY Mean to You?
When we asked Los Angeles-based scientist Judy Rosenberg for her
advice on how to keep your marriage hot, she came back with this fun
acronym for S.E.X.Y.
S is for safety-
Without safety, emotional and otherwise, you can't have a marriage.
Safety means protecting your spouse's feelings.
E is for energy - You have to invest energy into your marriage, sexual and otherwise. It's not 50/50, it's 100/100 percent.
X is for X factor -
It's the wildcard. Surprise your spouse in the way that makes the person
feels X-tra special: flowers, surprise sexual romps, picnics, trips,
etc.
Y is for yes - Forget
the computer and cell phone, and spend quality time with your loved one.
Try to eliminate “No, I don’t have time” from your vocabulary for a bit
and just say yes, as long as it’s not offensive or abusive.
“Remember, SEXY is the relationship --
mind, body and soul,” says Rosenberg. “SEXY is when all three come
together to enhance each person and create a 1+1=3, meaning that the
collective we becomes more than who we are individually.”
Adults Need Playdates Too
Cammi Balleck, author of
Happy, The New Sexy,
advises couples to “accept each other for who they are and don't try to
change each other.” She explains that people can strengthen their bonds
in simple ways. “Express appreciation everyday for one thing. Do
activities that you did together when you fell in love. My husband and I
fell in love climbing mountains. Every time we climb it brings our sexy
back.”
Balleck’s advice about finding
activities that bond you and your partner is cosigned by many
relationship experts, such as parenting coach
Monique Prince.
She takes the tip a step further and suggests couples “Be brave and try
new things together. Whether it's a game of checkers or sky diving, do
something together often.”
Prince makes an excellent point that
often gets overlooked when planning dates with your mate. “Don't keep
dates for night time only. If Sunday is your only day off, Sunday
afternoon can be your date night -- or a weekday morning. Be open to
different times of day to have a date with your spouse.”
Dates don’t have to be elaborate, it’s
the togetherness that counts. Prince mentions one free date idea that
can do wonders for a marriage. “Take a walk and ask about the best part
and worst part of the other's day. Listen to each other's needs and meet
them.” Once your partner feels appreciated, intimacy will follow, and
often the sex will be improved.
“Sex separates the married from the
unmarried so have a ball. Make love a lot and in a variety of places.
Back rubs, massages, and taking a tub or shower together is wonderful,”
says Prince. “Make sure both feel satisfied sexually, emotionally,
physically and spiritually.”
Need some inspiration to get on the right track? We’ve got you covered - these
21 sexy date ideas will work with any budget (including no budget), and will have you cosied up to your partner in no time.
Role Play As Much As You Can
“Nothing beats boredom in the marriage
more than a sexy romp of ‘Doctor and Nurse’,” says Sandy Daley,
relationship columnist and author of
Whose Vagina Is It, Really? “Plus this gets you out of character and you might learn a thing or two about your partner's likes and dislikes.”
Daley urges people to not be afraid of
experimenting. “Couples need to let themselves be 'uncomfortable' during
intimacy. Only through experimentation are they able to get to a higher
place. Of course, there should always be the opportunity to stop if you
begin to feel too uncomfortable during any intimate act.”
On the topic of playing out your
fantasies, Judith Claire concurs. “Role playing games are fun. Try
scenarios such as pizza man and horny housewife, teacher and pupil,
doctor/patient, sheik/harem girl, cowboy/schoolmarm or cop/hooker.
Costumes can be fun too. Light B&D (bondage and discipline) with
cuffs and ropes including light spanking can also be exciting.”
Sexy Costumes: Not Just for Halloween
One common theme that several of our
pros hit upon is the effectiveness of lingerie and kinky costumes to
help the ladies feel sexy and confident while offering their spouse some
arousing eye candy that signifies an evening is about to heat up.
Relationship expert Hope A. Rising puts
this theory to the test in her own relationship. “Once or twice a month I
like to go to the adult store and buy sexy costumes, then create a
theme around the costume. My guy never knows when he comes home who is
going to greet him at the door or what the evening holds for him.”
Our resident sexologist,
Jess gave similar advice
in a recent AskMen interview
with Aly Walansky. “I work at a few erotic resorts in the Caribbean
(Desire Resorts and Hedonism II) and the couples have so much fun
picking their outfits and dressing up that they can't help but reignite
the spark!”
Jess understands the psychology behind role playing, and offers this interesting tidbit of information:
"Oftentimes, the most appealing roles
are those that stray most significantly from our lived reality. If you
manage great responsibility at work or in the home, you may derive great
pleasure from indulging in a submissive role. And if you spend most of
your days catering to everyone else’s needs, playing a selfish role may
be the perfect escape from reality.”
Sparking the Fire and Keeping it Burning
Although
Tiffany Mason,
a life coach who specialises in “designing a meaningful marriage,”
didn’t see the advice that the rest of our relationship panel offered --
her actionable tips perfectly summarize and reiterate what the others
suggest for keeping your marriage hot:
● Drink a glass of wine and eat a piece of chocolate with your partner
● Turn off the television and light some candles
● Surprise your spouse by giving them a back massage before they fall asleep
● Dress up in a sexy lingerie when your husband comes home from work
● Send your lover a naked photo of yourself
So what’s the secret to keeping the
passion burning in your marriage? Apparently it boils down to being
open, giving, playful, committed, bold, creative and, of course, keeping
your sex sessions
well lubricated.
